


Five letter word for People, blood or choice

by Spoodlemonkey



Category: The Expendables (Movies)
Genre: Barney is a long suffering Papa Bear, Crack, F/M, Humor, M/M, Slight Smut, This is what happens when you put all them all under one roof, crack with feeling, did I mention this is definitely crack?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-15
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-20 17:29:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6018559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spoodlemonkey/pseuds/Spoodlemonkey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It seemed like a great idea merging the two teams, having them all under one roof. There isn't enough brain bleach in the world though, for seeing Galgo's bare ass. <br/>(Or, the Expendables stealth move in and people need to keep it in their pants or learn to knock.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five letter word for People, blood or choice

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea how to explain this fic...it just kind of happened. I am so sorry.

Fusing the two teams together in the wake of Stonebanks is probably one of the better ideas Barney’s had. Lee looks at him like he’s crazy when he says this, but Barney figures he can take credit for it since he’s the one that had the knuckle dragging show down with the sick bastard like something out of one of those _Lethal Weapon’s_ movies that Toll likes so much.

It takes a hell of a lot of stress off of him, for starters. He used to joke about leaving the team to Lee when he was ready to retire (or if he didn’t make it back from a mission), but his 2IC would either ignore him or lit into him about giving him grey hairs (that’s a feat). It’s been an ongoing silent argument for years but they seem to have reached a decision finally, taking turns training Smilee to take over when they’re too old and grey for anything other than sitting around in Tool’s garage bitching about the new generation.

And it’s nice to have the added back up. Scraping by with four people on a six person job is not something he looks forward to. Thorn and Gunner bring the tech, Smilee and Mars take long range and that leaves the rest of them to do the dirty work. It hasn’t gone this smoothly in years. He hasn’t strained his bum knee in months and Lee’s gone almost a year without getting shot (something Barney _really_ appreciates).

They all started out in their own places but it doesn’t take long before Barney’s hangar is being _domesticated_ and suddenly he has a house full of people moving into every crack and corner like they belong there (and they do). He unwraps himself from around Lee early one morning and crawls out of bed to find Luna and Mars at his little rickety kitchen table (it never recovered from the time after Mongolia when he pinned Lee to it). They barely glance up, bent over the crossword together, arguing quietly over a six letter word for people, blood or choice. He grabs a coffee, not quite ready to deal with the day and watches with growing amazement as first Gunner, then Galgo, then Thorn all stumble in from various directions.

He drags Gunner out later to help him buy a bigger (and sturdier) table.

Privacy, he discovers, is a little more difficult to adjust to. (Or rather the lack thereof.)

Lee’s on his knees, his mouth hot and wet and perfect on Barney’s cock. Barneys got his hands on the back of his neck, feeling the short bristles there, just holding him in place. They’re in the bathroom and the sounds Lee’s mouth is making as he sucks Barney down are pornographic, bouncing off the walls and echoing back at them. He grunts, close, and shoves his cock deeper till he hits the back of Lee’s throat.

The door opens.

“Oh fuck!” Mars back pedals out of the room and slams the door shut so fast that neither of them are entirely sure he was ever there. “I am _so sorry!_ But fuck man, lock the door next time!”

They can hear Caesars laughter through the door.

“I’m gonna kill that kid.” Lee mumbles his mouth unfortunately no longer on Barney’s cock. His voice is _wrecked._

“Can you do it later?” Barney asks hopefully. Lee shoots him a dirty look but ducks his head back down and picks up where they left off.

He’d like to say that that’s the end of it but a few days later Barney strolls into his living room, unable to sleep at three am and finds Luna on the couch. It takes his sleep fogged brain a moment to catch up with the sight before him but when it does he’s quick to slap a hand over his eyes in horror.

Luna’s seated on the couch alright, legs spread wide and hand tangled in Galgo’s short, dark hair as he eats her out with short, wet jabs of his tongue.

“What the fuck?” He demands, eyes still covered.

There’s a squeak (that he’d bet his money is from _Galgo_ ) and what he certainly hopes is a mad dive to grab clothes. He _never_ needed to see Galgo’s bare ass.

“Sorry boss!” Galgo yells as he and Luna make a mad dash from the room. Luna’s laughter echoes down the hall.

“I will never un-see that,” he laments when it’s safe to look again. He glares at the couch. He’s buying a new one as soon as the store opens in the morning.

It’s starting to look like boundaries may be an issue. Lee spends the ride to the store laughing his ass off at Barney’s pain, until Barney makes him carry the new leather couch with Caesar. Leather- it’s got to be easier to bleach, right? God, he hopes so.

He lays down a few _rules_. Honestly he thought not having sex on the couch in the living room was common sense… That makes it to the top of the list; followed quickly by, _knock first_.

He could have moved on, could have found some way to bleach his _brain_ , but then they touched his _truck_.

Barney doesn’t notice at first, they’re out of the country for a little bit, the old team doing some milk run that’s more of an excuse to stretch their legs. There’s nothing edible in the fridge when they get back so he grabs Lee for a grocery and beer run. He’s climbing into his truck when he realizes something isn’t right.

“What?” Lee asks, already seated. He frowns when Barney continues to stand there with the door open, staring at the interior likes it personally offended him.

“There’s something wrong.”

Now Lee freezes, hand on the door.

“Like this thing is going to explode if I move, wrong, or someone chipped the paint, wrong?”

“I’m not sure.” He admits though it seems incredibly unlikely that someone got past a building full of expendables to plant a bomb in Barney’s truck. He’s the first to admit that he’s somewhat _obsessive_ about his truck, but he can’t be the only person out there to care _deeply_ for their vehicle. That’s his excuse at least when he notices that the mileage on his truck has gone up and he starts to piece it together.

“Pretty sure it’s safe Christmas.”

Lee slides out of the truck, wary.

Barney forgoes groceries for the moment to check the security footage of the garage and promptly wishes he hadn’t.

The grainy feed shows Thorn and Smilee pulling out in his truck, and then returning a few hours later. They don’t climb out right away though; instead Thorn _climbs into Smilees lap_. Barney stops watching when it becomes apparent that clothes are coming off.

“I need brain bleach.” Lee comments idly.

“I need to bleach my _truck_.”

Barney is _seething_.

“Looks like they had fun.” Lee continues helpfully.

“I’m gonna kick them all out.” Barney decides. It’s that or he’s going to have a stroke. “They can go move in with Tool and drive him crazy instead.”

“You’d miss them.” Lee smirks. He prowls into Barney’s space, a heated glint to his gaze. “I have a better idea. We bleach your truck and then _I’ll_ climb into your lap and we can see if we’re still that flexible.”

Barney pauses.

Kicking out a group of trained killers really is a lot of work and he still hasn’t had breakfast.

“I’m still going to kill them.” He finally decides but allows Lee to drag him out.

“I’m sure we can come up with some suitable revenge.” Lee agrees, cheerful.

(Spoiler—they’re not as flexible, but they come pretty close.)

A week later Lee walks in on Gunner getting dressed. Barney only laughs when he demands they get their own place with locks on every door.

“You’re like a proud papa bear, brother.” Tool huffs out a laugh when Barney twitches at this. “Hold still or you’ll end up with a blob instead of this bird.”

“I’m playing parent to a bunch of kids.” Barney laments.

“And you love every moment of it.”

Barney drops his head and sighs feeling the sting of Tool’s needles as he touches up the Raven.

“I’ve seen half of them naked, Tool.” He grumbles. “Or having sex. There isn’t enough therapy in the world for this.”

“Considering our line of work, Barney, you probably couldn’t pay a therapist enough to listen to the crap rumbling around your thick skull.”

“Christmas would agree with you.”

Tool laughs again and pulls away, the whine of the machine coming to an abrupt end.

“Want my advice?”

“No,” Barney grumbles.

“You’re getting it anyways. Enjoy it while it lasts, brother. It’s the only family men like us get.”

Barney scowls but can’t really argue the point.

The living room is crowded when he gets back, the big screen television that had mysteriously appeared one day lit up with an older movie he vaguely recognizes. Lee waves him over to where he’s stretched out on the couch. He shuffles over when Barney joins him and a moment later Luna has shifted over, leaning against his other side. He’s sandwiched between the two, the warmth of their bodies relaxing some of the tension he hadn’t been able to shake after his visit with Tool.

“Still living, I see.” Lee murmurs.

“Barely.” Barney slings an arm around his shoulders and tugs him closer.

“Keep it down.” Gunner rumbles and Doc tosses a pillow at the blonde giants head.

The entire team is there, he realizes. They’re sprawled out around the room, covering every available surface. It’s almost comical, the way so many dangerous people are sprawled over each other, completely relaxed. And a conveniently empty spot just waiting for him to get back.

“Careful,” Lee whispers, smirk firmly in place. “You’ve got that dumb look on your face.”

“What look?”

“The one where you get all sappy on us.”

“We all know the boss loves us,” Caesar calls over. There’s clearly no secrets among this group.

“Which is why he’s going to order us a couple of pizzas.” Mars adds in helpfully and Barney flips him the bird. Smilee ends up digging out his phone to order the food but refuses to be the one to get up and get the pizza when it arrives, with Thorn lying sprawled comfortably across his chest.

It all makes something warm bloom in his chest though so he takes one for the team and volunteers to pay for the pizzas when they arrive. Around the time that he realizes that Lee’s drifted off with his head against his chest is when he decides that he was right, this was a good idea. It’s nice not having the place empty every night.

And it almost makes up for the following week when he walks in on Caesar _man scaping._


End file.
